Wednesday, January 12, 2005
The young writer anxiously cracks his knuckles as he sets to work.
I try to always be confident. I have found over the past few years that confidence isn’t just a feeling or a state of being. It is something to grab hold of. Often, lacking confidence, fearing failure, is the only thing that causes one to fail -at least the main thing. What I try to do when I am not confident about something but I have to do it anyway (or want to do it so badly that I have no other choice), I find in myself false confidence. I usually have nothing to fear but failure, which is usually no worse than not having tried at all.
In this case, though, I have more to fear than failure. There is a possibility that I am wrong; that I have misinterpreted the signs. The results of that could be damaging to something that I already hold dear (though ignoring it altogether would likewise probably be damaging) -the very thing that I am trying to learn more about.
The person that got me into this uses her blog to be open and honest about the keynote thoughts and events in her life. I find this admirable, but I also find it difficult to be that honest out in the open. It makes me vulnerable, and for a person who is always on his guard, that very much goes against the grain.
She is right, of course. I have little reason to be so guarded. I’m not when I talk to her privately. On the phone, aim, or through email we talk about all manner of things without compunction.
Clearly this is not an entry written in my most confident state, but I will manufacture that confidence for the sake of this matter, which is close to my heart.
Someone that I am close to has said some things that cause me to think that I am not alone in the way I feel. In truth, I’ve felt this way for some time. These feelings have been influencing my outlook of the future (even my plans for furlough and my return home after my time in the Middle East is served). Were certain circumstances different I would have already pursued these feelings more vigorously. It is only because I’m trying to be selfless that I have been slightly reserved about this.
I feel like I have something great going for me and I’m trying to keep it going until I am close enough to pursue it further. Chasing after these feelings now would cause the negative feelings, or rather the taxing feelings, to become far more pronounced. Longing, loneliness, separation- these would be some of the fruits of my actions. We would feel those things for quite some time. Practicality demands that I wait. I don’t want to impose such a difficult situation on someone I care about. Especially when other, easier, possibly more appealing opportunities may be presented to her very soon.
The new factor in all of this is that she seems to be echoing these same feelings in some ways. If I’m wrong about that; if I have misunderstood then, well, I now look like the biggest ass in the world.
But what else is new. Besides, some risks are worth the taking.
And what if I did interpret things correctly? Well then, maybe when you thought no one but yourself would be able to make sense of what you were saying, you were wrong. Either way, I think I’ve properly exposed myself. I feel braver and more honest, even if the price for that is increased anxiety and suspense. Whatever direction things go from here, this entry will always have value for me
That’s the way I feel, and I hope someone is glad to hear about it.
In this case, though, I have more to fear than failure. There is a possibility that I am wrong; that I have misinterpreted the signs. The results of that could be damaging to something that I already hold dear (though ignoring it altogether would likewise probably be damaging) -the very thing that I am trying to learn more about.
The person that got me into this uses her blog to be open and honest about the keynote thoughts and events in her life. I find this admirable, but I also find it difficult to be that honest out in the open. It makes me vulnerable, and for a person who is always on his guard, that very much goes against the grain.
She is right, of course. I have little reason to be so guarded. I’m not when I talk to her privately. On the phone, aim, or through email we talk about all manner of things without compunction.
Clearly this is not an entry written in my most confident state, but I will manufacture that confidence for the sake of this matter, which is close to my heart.
Someone that I am close to has said some things that cause me to think that I am not alone in the way I feel. In truth, I’ve felt this way for some time. These feelings have been influencing my outlook of the future (even my plans for furlough and my return home after my time in the Middle East is served). Were certain circumstances different I would have already pursued these feelings more vigorously. It is only because I’m trying to be selfless that I have been slightly reserved about this.
I feel like I have something great going for me and I’m trying to keep it going until I am close enough to pursue it further. Chasing after these feelings now would cause the negative feelings, or rather the taxing feelings, to become far more pronounced. Longing, loneliness, separation- these would be some of the fruits of my actions. We would feel those things for quite some time. Practicality demands that I wait. I don’t want to impose such a difficult situation on someone I care about. Especially when other, easier, possibly more appealing opportunities may be presented to her very soon.
The new factor in all of this is that she seems to be echoing these same feelings in some ways. If I’m wrong about that; if I have misunderstood then, well, I now look like the biggest ass in the world.
But what else is new. Besides, some risks are worth the taking.
And what if I did interpret things correctly? Well then, maybe when you thought no one but yourself would be able to make sense of what you were saying, you were wrong. Either way, I think I’ve properly exposed myself. I feel braver and more honest, even if the price for that is increased anxiety and suspense. Whatever direction things go from here, this entry will always have value for me
That’s the way I feel, and I hope someone is glad to hear about it.
# posted by Squisher of Scorpions @ 9:24 AM 
